Back to School

Yesterday was Eli's first day of 1st grade, and he was not happy. He started crying and didn't want me to leave him because he wanted to 'spend one more day' with me. And today I had to drag him out of the car, to the drop off door, and hand him off to his Kindergarten teacher all while he was crying and begging to go back home (I'm sure I looked like an awesome mom). He's sensitive and nervous--but that boy also just loves being with his mama! I contribute it to when I was pregnant with him and had an amazing pregnancy, and at the point most moms are begging for their babies to get out of them so they can hold them, and sleep comfortably, and be able to breathe well again, I was completely fine with him staying in the womb because I knew he was comfortable and had everything he wanted and needed right where he was. And when he did come into the world, he wanted me to hold him every minute of every day...he wasn't happy with anything but my arms--I think he thought since I didn't mind sleeping while he was in my tummy that I wanted to sleep with him in my arms. I know all kids love their moms, but man, I'm that boys favorite person in the world. Kyle always jokes that nothing better happen to me just because he doesn't know he would handle Eli's sadness.
And I hurt for our little Indian girl. When she was in her first mom's womb...was she comfortable? Did she feel loved? When she was born was she confused that she didn't hear the same voice anymore that she had heard for so many months before she came into this crazy, cold world? Does she, at such a young age, feel abandoned? Desire someone to hold her in their arms while she sleeps? Did her first mom enjoy being pregnant and plan all the wonderful things she was going to do with her child over her life? Did her mom feel all her dreams fade when our little Sparrow was born and she saw she had special needs? Did she actually know before she was born that there was no way she'd be able to raise this sweet girl? Does her mom wonder if she's still alive, if she's still in India, or some other country, adopted and taken care of somewhere in the big world?
Last week we were informed that our little girl, thousands of miles away was going to have a serious surgery done...and then they postponed it a day...and then we had to wait the weekend to hear how it went. The kids and I were in Arkansas with my dad enjoying a last minute, end of summer vacation which happened to be the best place and time to receive this news. So until I heard Monday morning that the surgery went well and immediately started crying I didn't realize how scared and worried I truly was. I want to be with her so very badly...but I'm thankful she's being taken care of in the hospital by people she's known her whole life. The closest to real family that's she's ever known. But I do want her to know that she may not have come from my womb, but I want her to be comfortable...I want her to have everything she wants and needs. I will gladly give up comfort and lack and sleep to know that she's being taken care of...to know that she will be in my arms soon. I wish I could tell her first mom that she's okay...that she's going to be okay. I wish I could talk to her and tell her that I hate she had to release this sweet little girl to another mom. I want to promise her I will think of her every first day of school, when we're taking prom pictures, on our daughter's wedding day, and for every other big celebration...and days in between.  
I know this probably sounds silly, but back to school is bittersweet for me this year. I just can't wait to have a summer with all of my kids under one roof (preferably in a cabin by a river ;)) instead of two in school and one in an orphanage all the way on the other side of the world. Not that I want to rush my kids growing up, but I am praying the next few months fly by with approvals coming in a hurry!!